It was a noble attempt, this whole nablopomo thing. Would have been nobler if I'd had a stable internet connection, but whatever. I'm kinda done making excuses for this blog. My life is in such transition right now that making it here at all feels like enough.

I am exhausted and fighting and feeling like I am growing up all of a sudden here at thirty years old. Things it seems like b and I should have learned years ago are all of a sudden becoming very, very clear. I am a big fan of choices, and lately I have been making some big ones. I want to talk about them on here, but it's probably not right yet, and honestly I just don't have the energy. When I say "fighting" I mean it in the sense that I feel I am on one side of a big, transparent glass wall and everything that I want is on the other side - protected and in this whole other world. So I am banging and kicking and shouting like mad to break that glass and get in. Feels like a slow fire coming up and out and an inner drive like I've never quite had. And I'm scared, really, because its scary to start thinking in a new way sometimes, to start wanting new things and to actually do something to get them. I am afraid that this new path is taking me away from things I hold dear. On the other, less dreadfully pessemistic hand, change is always rough in some way - beginings are hard - and this new way of life, new recognized wants, new attitude may be able to coincide nicely with the inner core of me. I just have to get used to it, reconcile the skirmishes. I know, I know you are probably like what the heck could be so big and occupying? But really I can't even voice it, it would sound so stupid and I'm not even to full terms with it yet. Lets just say its all about the limits I had placed on myself up until now, what I thought I could do and could not do in this life - and what I want to do. Or more simply, we could just call it an extended post graduation freak out.

Anyway, all is not so shadowy and obtuse in my life. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for great wonderful family and a husband who rocks my world every single day. I had a root canal the other day and even though it sounds painful, it actually made me feel so so much better. It is amazing how much pain our bodies can eventually stop recognizing.

It has been snowing lightly here, for the past couple of days and I guess that makes it officially winter. I am thankful for the soft crunch under my feet as I go start my car so early every morning. If it has to be there, at least the snow is beautiful.