I do solomly swear...

I joined NaBloPoMo. In an effort to regulate myself. In essence I have committed to posting here once a day for the entire month of November. Obviously I am a little late, but what the heck.

Today I took pictures of my pendants - modeled by my lovely friend and co-worker Jordan. Also, I ate a cinnamon roll for breakfast.

If you want to know the real deal of what is going on over here today, here it is: I am sitting here not even really knowing what to type because how to differentiate all these different thoughts into ones I want to keep vs. ones I want to throw away? And it's hard anyway, to write those keepable thoughts. Hard not to overthink. I have been very negative lately. Negative about my job, my pursuits, everything really. And while I hold onto this thin thread - this idea I have of selling my pendants and turning Trained Monkey into something doable - I am bombarded by doubts and haunts and a lack of creativity, as of late. That is my state, today.

But the good news, is that I happen to know that how I feel, does not determine reality. Just because I feel uncreative, does not mean that I am uncreative. This is a temporary state that I am in. And really, who wouldn't expect a barrage of self doubt when embarking upon such an adventure? I could have gone to law school, or nursing school, or done something else that would have prepared me to have a more traditional career. And on days like today, I really kind of wish I had. But the reality is that I didn't. I have chosen to work a flexible job, for less money, so that I can spend my afternoons covered in resin dust, working out in my studio. I am choosing to pave this path because it is where my heart is, where my guts are. And if I fail........well, then, I guess I can always go to grad school later. For now, I have to try.

I am......

• super busy - working on the pendants like mad. Taking pics of them tomorrow and opening my etsy store by the end of this week (hopefully!)!!!!!!!!

• relishing this opportunity that I have - to sling coffee all morning and still have time to sink into my art at night.

• missing the walks/runs jennifermarathon and I used to take. When we were training. For a marathon.

• trying not to eat Beer and Cheddar Kettle chips for every meal.

• buzzing from the TWO soy lattes I drank this morning. Darn that free coffee.

• thankful for the sunny, sunny fall days we are having. The less winter gloom and doom, the better.

• obsessed with Bruce Springsteen.

The freakshow has left the building........momentarily.

Ahhh, feeling better now. Pretty much over my post-marathon freakout. Now it just pretty much feels surreal. Did it really happen? Apparently so, because here is a picture of it!

This is at about mile 16 or 17. B and his mom and dad were in the primo spectator spot and B stepped in to run with me for a mile or so. It was awesome to see them - mom and dad were snapping pics and running alongside to say hi. They were so excited and so supportive, it was a great pick-me-up and motivator. I was still feeling pretty great at this point, but within the next two miles, things got really hairy for Jennifer and I, and I'm glad I got to see B and his mom and dad when I did. The course was set up so that we ran miles 11-18ish down one side of the Great Highway, right along the Pacific ocean (if you look at the pic, the ocean is right over that little hill on the right side. Very beautiful), and then around Lake Merced for miles 19-21ish, and then back along the other side of the Great Highway (more beautiful ocean) for miles 22 - 26. It was great because B and his parents could basically stay in one general area and see me at mile 16 and also at the finish. Before the marathon I told B and his parents that I didn't need them to come, that I would be fine alone (I thought it would be really, really boring for them!). But in the actual experience, I was so, so glad that they were there. It was such an intense experience physically and mentally, and seeing them was a huge boost. Plus, there is no way I can accurately describe the energy of the situation, the beauty, the excitement -I am so glad they were there to experience it. Even if waiting around for me was pretty boring. They are great sports!

Anyway, that is some of my story. I had an amazing time. And now I am adjusting to life after training. I want to keep running, for sure. But now I have time to focus on other things in my life that I have been limping along for the last few months - mainly my art, and fixing up our old beautiful house. So next to come, are pictures of my pendants. And to make it fair, our house. For now, it is Saturday morning, and I am drinking a fantastic cup of Bolivian coffee and getting ready to do laundry. The sun is shining outside and melting the crackly frost from last night, and I am feeling peaceful. Hope you all have a fabulous Saturday.

Aftermath

I pretty much suck at being "in the moment." Even if I am sure of whatever current project/life situation I have going on at the moment, as soon as it is over (or sometimes even before, really) I am immediately consumed with the search of what to do next. Always, at these times, I throw around big stuff - not just 'oh, maybe I'll buy a new sweatshirt', but rather 'maybe I'll go to law school' (what!?) or 'maybe we should move across the country.' See, the thing is, I apparently love a challenge. And the adrenaline that comes when that challenge is met. I love excitement. And I guess I get bored when the exciting thing is over and I have to go back to making lattes and mocha's everyday. Which is so, abundantly stupid and silly, for reasons I will explain later. Maybe I am an adrenaline junkie?

So most recently, my excitement was, as I alluded to in my last post, that I trained for and ran the Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco. Yes, it was a full marathon, and yes, I finished. No, I did not win.

This was my first marathon. And let me say that although I had always carried with me the fantasy of being a "runner" (read: look like a runner)I just never had the motivation to run more than a mile or so. A marathon was so far out of the question, it was laughable. Those things are 26.2 freakin miles long! I didn't have the desire. Then, this past May, my friend Jennifer (well now she is my friend - back then we barely knew each other) invited me to a Team in Training meeting. She was all 'hey, remember how we both want to start running? Well, I think that they, like, give you pointers, and stuff.' We walked into that meeting thinking that we were going to get tips on how to run better, and we walked out having signed up to run a marathon and raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society (click here for more info).

So we started training the first week of June - barely able to run 3 miles.

Last weekend we completed the marathon - 26.2 miles in 6:38.

We trained 6 days a week - running, walking, cross-training, hill repeats. I grew to love running and the way it blows everything else out of your mind. It has this way of breaking you physically, and building you mentally. For me, running is about connecting. It's mind over matter, and its about good conversation with your running partner and sometimes it feels like praying out in the desert. But that's not accurate enough, because I'm not even telling you the real reason I signed up to run the marathon with Team in training. The real reason is that when I was sitting there with my friend Jennifer, at the meeting, she turned and looked at me and told me that her sister had recently been diagnosed with leukemia.There I was, normally the most skeptical person on the planet, sitting in a room full of people who were telling me that if I wanted, I could raise money for leukemia research and run a freakin marathon. I just remember sitting there and instead of feeling what I expected (skepticism, cynicism, and the itch to get the heck out of there) I felt an overwhelming sense that I was supposed to do this. The only reasons I knew of at the time, were for Jennifer, and her sister. I can't explain it, I just knew.
Maybe I'll write about the actual marathon experience in another post, because this one is already getting so long. What I'll say right now, is that it blew my mind. It is on my top 5 list for the best things I have ever done.

So back to the original intent of this post. Now I am sitting here, not even fully healed from my big run, and I'm freaking out inside about what to do next. Having the hardest time relaxing and just being in this time, this space in my life. I know, that what I am going to do next will come, no matter what. I do not need to be uptight about it, in order for it to get here. To be blunt, I believe that God orders my steps, and I guess I'm always just a little impatient. Right now, everything in my life seems to be separated into Before Marathon and After Marathon categories. Soon He will settle me, I know. Take a deep breath, right?

This is our Chevy coupe. We took an impromptu road trip in it this weekend. Saturday, around 1pm, B and I were talking about how much we missed my mom and step dad Gary, and how we wished we could see them and hug them. They have been back from South Africa for about a week now, and staying in Idaho Falls with my brother and his family. And although we wanted to be there and see them a week ago, B and I have both been working so much, it's been hard to get away. Around 1pm on Saturday, we decided to stop listening to the excuses and just GO. We were on the road by 3:30 and giving them hugs by 8pm. It was awesome to see them again! They both look so great and have so many stories to tell about this last year of their lives. We got to see so many of the pictures and videos they took, and they are incredible. The mountains, jungles, plains - the zebra's, elephants, lions, - its all everything we imagined Africa to be like and then even more. My mom brought back a pouch of rooiboos tea and when I opened it I smelled Africa and fell in love. They took pictures of huge rain spiders and the townships and children wrapped in blankets. Hearing the story in each picture they took is probably the closest I am going to get to Africa for a while, and that is really okay. I am so glad they had this experience, got to live in such a different part of the world than we are all used to. And as much as I was willing to share them with Africa, I am so glad they are home now.

We came back last night, so it was a short trip - about 24 hours. But all completely worth it. So today B and I are off to work again. This coming Friday I am flying to San Fransisco to run in the Nike Women's Marathon. It is my first marathon and I am beyond excited! I will post all the details about that story later. For now I am going to enjoy a little steamy Bolivian coffee brew before work.
Later.

One by one.......

Today has ended up being a day where I feel like I would have been better off staying in bed. It's nothing really worth talking about in detail - just a long day at work, having to train a new girl, crabby unprofessional people jerking me around, and the feeling that there is never enough money to go around. However, I just visited Lindsey's blog and she had a great idea of making a list of all the things she is rich in (besides financial). Sounds like a great idea to help me get off of my selfish pity-pot of doom. So here I go, counting my blessings/riches, quite literally:

• Well, first off, there's God. And my relationship with Him. It pretty much changes everything.

• And then there is B, of course. He is my best friend and my favorite.

• I have a great job - it's basically part time hours for full time money and doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the foot every time I have to be there. And for me, that is pretty big. I get bored so easily and can't see myself working long term at some company -tethered to a desk, making phone calls or presentations or whatever it is people do at their Very Important, Very Professional jobs. I was basically born to be self employed.

• Um.....I live in a really great house, in a cool part of town and I have enough to eat. Gas in my car. Movies to watch tonight. Dogs to feed.

• I have great, funny, supportive, rock star friends. They know who they are.

• Anthropologie is opening a store here soon! Shallow, but now I can drool on their items in person!

• My mom and step dad made it safely back from South Africa this last week and I get to see them soon! It's been over a year and I can't wait to hear about their adventure and give them both a hug! My mom and I will go to the mall and eat See's chocolates and get tacos. It's our thing and I've missed her so bad.

• I not only have a beautiful house, but an actual studio in my backyard - a place to go and crank up the Pete Yorn, the Patty Griffin, and crank out the art. It's a far cry from the 500 sq foot apartment we rented until late this summer.

• Really, no matter what my issues, I've got it SO MUCH easier than SO many people out there. Kinda sad that I would even bellyache, but I am so human, you know......

Dudes, I feel so much better already. I am going to shake off today, make some mad good Indian food (chana masala anyone?) for dinner and curl up with B on our bed to watch more House. Thanks for listening, yo.

Word to the wise

Green and Black's White Chocolate with Strawberries ice cream?
Not so good.
Really. I know it sounds tempting - with it's beautiful packaging and promise of creamy organinc white chocolately goodness. However, the reality is that it tastes more like plain old vanilla with a few crystallized strawberry crumbs smudged in. Unremarkable.